Tumingin ako sa salamin kanina, ahm habang nagpipicture and then........

I saw the years fall away. In front of me stood the shy teenager that I was, can be, and still am. Strange how skin stretches and changes, and yet, inside, inside that physical, tactile, sense filled self, is the same person as you were in your teens. 16 now on the outside, I am still short, I have short hair na rin,but inside, inside I am still the sensitive, fragile jangle of emotions that I was when I was younger. I still have seconds of emotional brilliance contrasted with adolescent, self-indulgent troughs of despair. I still fundamentally believe that it is better to feel, to lose, to hurt than never to have loved, felt or cried with the sobs of the truly devastated .

I have been lonely but never been on my own. I have always sought the comfort of another's arms to take away my pain, the sweet softness of another's lips to salve my hurt. Maybe it is time now, time to face reality in the mirror and look at myself as I really am. Is my boat so weathered by storms, that I cannot paint its splintered boards, sew its scraps of mainsail or hammer its rusty nails myself? Is it always necessary to sail into new seas to escape the leaks when all they do is follow me spilling their sadness wherever I go?

Maybe it is time. Time to set my own course, select my own star rather than the apparent glamour of another's. Maybe it is time to scrape the rust off the anchor myself, and tend to it with sandpaper and iron, to forge a new, deeper, link. It will be painful, I know. Hard work inevitably is, especially when dealing with such a neglected ship, a ship of dusty corners and cabins which have been untended for years, that swim with sharks of yesterday, but maybe, just maybe, I shall find a brilliant shoal of multicolored angel fish, that shall ripple into my waters, or a sail ruffling wind that shall take me to shallow reefs where my newly sharpened anchor shall find soft sand and an easy tide in which to lie.

Loneliness is not a state of being but a state of mind. I have been on my own and been desperately lonely. I have also been surrounded by people I love and still been lonely. Loneliness is not being on one's own. Sometimes, on the contrary, that is the release, the sanctum, from it.

Loneliness is not something to be feared either... It seems to loom in my psyche like the proverbial bearded monster under my bed, waiting, lurking, breathing heavily in the dark rooms of my mind. Now, its claws no longer scare me, its breath no longer tells me of long evenings and nights on my own, its eyes do not show me my pillows only dented on one side of the bed.

Now, I embrace it, hug it and drag it into the sunshine, and I see that its threats are like smoke that blow away on the wind, its eyes are glass and non seeing, and that its teeth are daggers created in my mind, and not in its own nature...

The monster of loneliness has been transformed into the friendly tongue hanging cocker spaniel, a constant but welcome companion. A desired and welcomed grassy path as opposed to a desperate walled up alley.

And yeah, without this white page i won't be able to release this. My thirsty mind does not feel quenched until these words scrawl themselves across my mind. These words flow, flow like a beer into a glass, until the glass tips as it reaches the rim to show that there has been enough.

And now I know that the promise of love around the corner still beckons me with its crooked finger and the world lies open at my feet like a blanket of dreams, waiting for me tiptoe over it, in sheer wonderment that I exist. Now I only have one dream, that this feeling of novelty, that is all ready for me to look, feel and sense in wonderment never changes.

A voyage of discovery waits. Hoist the mainsail and put up anchor. We sail...

Come, let's sail for a while..

Labels: life, reality

Tumingin ako sa salamin kanina, ahm habang nagpipicture and then........

I saw the years fall away. In front of me stood the shy teenager that I was, can be, and still am. Strange how skin stretches and changes, and yet, inside, inside that physical, tactile, sense filled self, is the same person as you were in your teens. 16 now on the outside, I am still short, I have short hair na rin,but inside, inside I am still the sensitive, fragile jangle of emotions that I was when I was younger. I still have seconds of emotional brilliance contrasted with adolescent, self-indulgent troughs of despair. I still fundamentally believe that it is better to feel, to lose, to hurt than never to have loved, felt or cried with the sobs of the truly devastated .

I have been lonely but never been on my own. I have always sought the comfort of another's arms to take away my pain, the sweet softness of another's lips to salve my hurt. Maybe it is time now, time to face reality in the mirror and look at myself as I really am. Is my boat so weathered by storms, that I cannot paint its splintered boards, sew its scraps of mainsail or hammer its rusty nails myself? Is it always necessary to sail into new seas to escape the leaks when all they do is follow me spilling their sadness wherever I go?

Maybe it is time. Time to set my own course, select my own star rather than the apparent glamour of another's. Maybe it is time to scrape the rust off the anchor myself, and tend to it with sandpaper and iron, to forge a new, deeper, link. It will be painful, I know. Hard work inevitably is, especially when dealing with such a neglected ship, a ship of dusty corners and cabins which have been untended for years, that swim with sharks of yesterday, but maybe, just maybe, I shall find a brilliant shoal of multicolored angel fish, that shall ripple into my waters, or a sail ruffling wind that shall take me to shallow reefs where my newly sharpened anchor shall find soft sand and an easy tide in which to lie.

Loneliness is not a state of being but a state of mind. I have been on my own and been desperately lonely. I have also been surrounded by people I love and still been lonely. Loneliness is not being on one's own. Sometimes, on the contrary, that is the release, the sanctum, from it.

Loneliness is not something to be feared either... It seems to loom in my psyche like the proverbial bearded monster under my bed, waiting, lurking, breathing heavily in the dark rooms of my mind. Now, its claws no longer scare me, its breath no longer tells me of long evenings and nights on my own, its eyes do not show me my pillows only dented on one side of the bed.

Now, I embrace it, hug it and drag it into the sunshine, and I see that its threats are like smoke that blow away on the wind, its eyes are glass and non seeing, and that its teeth are daggers created in my mind, and not in its own nature...

The monster of loneliness has been transformed into the friendly tongue hanging cocker spaniel, a constant but welcome companion. A desired and welcomed grassy path as opposed to a desperate walled up alley.

And yeah, without this white page i won't be able to release this. My thirsty mind does not feel quenched until these words scrawl themselves across my mind. These words flow, flow like a beer into a glass, until the glass tips as it reaches the rim to show that there has been enough.

And now I know that the promise of love around the corner still beckons me with its crooked finger and the world lies open at my feet like a blanket of dreams, waiting for me tiptoe over it, in sheer wonderment that I exist. Now I only have one dream, that this feeling of novelty, that is all ready for me to look, feel and sense in wonderment never changes.

A voyage of discovery waits. Hoist the mainsail and put up anchor. We sail...

Come, let's sail for a while..

Labels: life, reality