Labels: college

Tumingin ako sa salamin kanina, ahm habang nagpipicture and then........

I saw the years fall away. In front of me stood the shy teenager that I was, can be, and still am. Strange how skin stretches and changes, and yet, inside, inside that physical, tactile, sense filled self, is the same person as you were in your teens. 16 now on the outside, I am still short, I have short hair na rin,but inside, inside I am still the sensitive, fragile jangle of emotions that I was when I was younger. I still have seconds of emotional brilliance contrasted with adolescent, self-indulgent troughs of despair. I still fundamentally believe that it is better to feel, to lose, to hurt than never to have loved, felt or cried with the sobs of the truly devastated .

I have been lonely but never been on my own. I have always sought the comfort of another's arms to take away my pain, the sweet softness of another's lips to salve my hurt. Maybe it is time now, time to face reality in the mirror and look at myself as I really am. Is my boat so weathered by storms, that I cannot paint its splintered boards, sew its scraps of mainsail or hammer its rusty nails myself? Is it always necessary to sail into new seas to escape the leaks when all they do is follow me spilling their sadness wherever I go?

Maybe it is time. Time to set my own course, select my own star rather than the apparent glamour of another's. Maybe it is time to scrape the rust off the anchor myself, and tend to it with sandpaper and iron, to forge a new, deeper, link. It will be painful, I know. Hard work inevitably is, especially when dealing with such a neglected ship, a ship of dusty corners and cabins which have been untended for years, that swim with sharks of yesterday, but maybe, just maybe, I shall find a brilliant shoal of multicolored angel fish, that shall ripple into my waters, or a sail ruffling wind that shall take me to shallow reefs where my newly sharpened anchor shall find soft sand and an easy tide in which to lie.

Loneliness is not a state of being but a state of mind. I have been on my own and been desperately lonely. I have also been surrounded by people I love and still been lonely. Loneliness is not being on one's own. Sometimes, on the contrary, that is the release, the sanctum, from it.

Loneliness is not something to be feared either... It seems to loom in my psyche like the proverbial bearded monster under my bed, waiting, lurking, breathing heavily in the dark rooms of my mind. Now, its claws no longer scare me, its breath no longer tells me of long evenings and nights on my own, its eyes do not show me my pillows only dented on one side of the bed.

Now, I embrace it, hug it and drag it into the sunshine, and I see that its threats are like smoke that blow away on the wind, its eyes are glass and non seeing, and that its teeth are daggers created in my mind, and not in its own nature...

The monster of loneliness has been transformed into the friendly tongue hanging cocker spaniel, a constant but welcome companion. A desired and welcomed grassy path as opposed to a desperate walled up alley.

And yeah, without this white page i won't be able to release this. My thirsty mind does not feel quenched until these words scrawl themselves across my mind. These words flow, flow like a beer into a glass, until the glass tips as it reaches the rim to show that there has been enough.

And now I know that the promise of love around the corner still beckons me with its crooked finger and the world lies open at my feet like a blanket of dreams, waiting for me tiptoe over it, in sheer wonderment that I exist. Now I only have one dream, that this feeling of novelty, that is all ready for me to look, feel and sense in wonderment never changes.

A voyage of discovery waits. Hoist the mainsail and put up anchor. We sail...

Come, let's sail for a while..

See you when I get back. Kung makakauwi cause my saturday classes ako. Imma miss you all. Bye for now.

Labels: life, reality

Falling in love is like a stone falling into a pool. At first, there is the splash of ecstasy; of water meeting stone; of softness meeting hardness; of two elements, fundamentally different, coming together and making one. This is the glorious passion of the first few meetings where you meet and become one.

Then the ripples start growing larger as you gently meet others in your circles. Your family and your close friends meet the other and you see your lover reflected in their eyes, and their worlds. Slowly you learn more, both about your lover and your friends and family as the ripples grow larger.

Then you become an acknowledged couple. The ripples have fused and you are recognized as being together in the larger circles. Still fundamentally different, one a hard stone, one yielding water, you become a third entity, together ready to rest together, always.

Finally, the ripples reach the end of the pond. The degree of depth changes and become shallower. You find those ripples further away from that initial passion, that beginning splash that combined you together. Either you both move together into a further dimension or become part of the main fabric of society, happy and co-joined, stone and water, or else, lose that essential connection to that first splash and divide once more into separate elements. Of course, even if you divide, you are changed. Even if one of you is still a stone, and one of you is still water, your essential matter has experienced that immutability of stone and the freedom of water. You move on to seek a different pool, another body of water, to make your own.

When I am with you, the stars are in their places; the planets align perfectly, and even the air smiles with pleasure and comfort. Being with you is like being in an old, comfortable, warm armchair that enfolds me. The love of music and words has bound us together. And the excitement, the passion - when I look into your eyes, I get the same fluster, the same rise of passion as I did when we first met.

My lover has a smile that goes straight to my hips and a laugh that shakes me at the knees. He has eyes which make my skin tingle, and lips which make my mind sing. When he touches me, all is right in the world, the planets are suddenly aligned...

Unlike other relationships, I am not half a person when I am away from him though. I am fully able to function, to go for hours without thinking of him, completely able to immerse myself into other things and yet...and yet...

When we are together, our two halves become whole.

Wholly complete apart and completely whole together.

Though missing you is a shattering thing, and when I feel like reaching out but grasping nothing, We are one.

Labels: lover

I should be cleaning my nails, feeding my makulit bro, making myself some healthy snack but instead, I am blogging.

What is it about blogging that is just so addictive? I long for the comments, love reading what my fellow multiply buddies have been up to and their latest thoughts. I feel remiss, as though something is missing when I don't blog in a day. At least thrice a day?

Certainly, an addictive personality anyway by nature, I am completely hooked to blogging, to my blog and to perusing others. But, the eternal question, why?

Certainly, blogging is a release. As I write, I feel the tension in my shoulders seep through my fingers, to be released in letters which swim, like fish, away into the blogosphere. But if that was the case, then why doesn't writing in a diary feel the same? It must be the recognition, or the public aspect of blogging which makes it so satisfying and so addictive. For me, certainly, it is probably the only way which I will ever reach a public audience, and somehow, seeing one's work in type, out there in cyberworld does give one a buzz.

Maybe, it is the sense of belonging, of recognition, of being part of a community where one's deepest thoughts and feelings are not laughed at, but instead, are carefully considered and commented on....

So, give me comments. Lol

Labels: blog

Full up.

Like a swimmer bursting to the surface, the sun has come out in my life. I have got back in control and back on top of my emotions, my family and myself. I am just, frankly, so effin content at the moment.

So the past days have been horrible; a time to forget, and move on away from. I have been so down, but down without fully realizing what has been happening to me. My concentration is shot to pieces, any work takes me hours and I never seem to finish, not to mention Im so pressured. I feel in a vortex of confusion, tiredness and apathy, and I have no idea why.

But finally, the clouds are lifting. At last my mood seems to be climbing up again having been really low over the past days or so. It now appears to be settling in and staying.

I know my confusion and depression could always come back. But until it does, I am going to get out there, create the things I have always wanted and start putting my dreams into action, right now, right here, today.

So, you see, my life is full and brimming. Time to grow up.

PS. To ate Kuristeen, Thank you so much for all your notes. Mwaaa.

Labels: me, reality

Labels: love

What's the latest we came up with?
That if you don't want complication IN your life, complication's gonna follow you (anyway) so...what's the point. Might as well complicate things, right? Well, maybe.

Heck, I never wanted to do Formula--in anything. What's Life supposed to be? Get off school, i mean after college dude, get a job, make money, get hitched, buy a house, have kids and...a partridge in a pear tree?

Uhhhh...raincheck on that one, boss. Routines always kill me. I'd just as soon fall asleep when things follow a pattern as I would probably jump into a new complication that pops into view.
Like a girl with a boyfriend, which I know is the lowest of my being a bastard but let me explain.
It's nice wanting what you can't truly have, getting a taste of something and knowing you can't really have it all. And i guess in the situation, it only serves to make you stay interested in it.

In the course, I've learned a thing or two: like, love, no matter how emphatically expressed and hinged to whatever committment, can detour to complications. You know the drill from there.

I'm just really rambling, really, 'cause I've got nothing to do. Funny, that after a day? of not having anything to write about, you suddenly have a thing to say about something, insignificant though. lol

Maybe, we'll do the right thing after all.
Maybe I'm just growing old, mellowing out.
Maybe.
No lessons to be learned here, kids. Be good and stay with the routine.
I feel like a failure because I'm struggling to become something, and I do not even know what it is. All i know how to do is to get by. Someday, if I discover my purpose, I will feel I am beginning to live.

I'm changing.

I can feel it in almost everything I do, I'm aware that I'm different. In loads of different ways. And I don't like it.

I don't know; I'm confused.

Like my Mum, for instance. I'm not as close to her as I used to be. It's like I'm seeing her in a new light. I've never been able to really confide in her, and I don't know why.

She's always complaining. She's never happy. And she doesn't hide it.

She's never sympathetic, or really comforting. If I come home upset when people have been pissing me off, she tells me it's my fault because I reacted to it. I can't help it!

I just feel lost in my own life.

And I don't feel ready for college. Not just yet.

I just...don't feel like me anymore. The madness hasn't surfaced in weeks. And I thought changing was gradual over the years, now it's like, it's been hitting me all at once.

And I hate it.

And if I hate it now, what am I going to be like as an adult?

And if I can't cope with the pressure in college, what the hell am I going to do later on?