Paano ba magcelebrate ng buhay ngayong summer nang walang pera at walang kasama para magcelebrate? Hindi ko akalaing magiging ganito kaboring ang summer ko.

May dalawang estado lang naman ang buhay ko ngayon, its either i am bored or tired.
Tired. Kasi para akong katulong sa bahay. Bored, kasi wala ng ibang magawa bukod sa pagiging yaya ko.

Sarap nun no? Pero may natuklasan ako...
Isa pala sa pinakamasarap gawin e ang matulog.Mahiga lang ako somewhere dito sa bahay e tulog agad ako. At maswerte na sila mama dahil may taga saing sila kung magising ako pagkatapos ng 2 oras dahil usually, inuumaga na yung idlip ko. At dahil siguro madalas akong tulog e mas nagiging weird at bizarre at super interesting ng mga panaginip ko. Tulad kagabi na kasama raw ako sa movie na watchmen tapos nagpunta daw kami sa Mars. Nung isang araw naman, napanaginipan ko na may billboard na raw ako sa Olongapo. Hahaha. At may isang beses pa na napanaginipan ko na binuhat ko raw yung ref namin tapos pinamigay ko sa magbobote tapos binayaran niya raw ako ng 1 million. Astig no? At di lang yon, mas narerecall ko na mga panaginip ko, di tulad dati na parang na idlip lang ako ng 30 minutes, tapos paggising ko e kamot ulo na lang magagawa ko sa kakapilit na alalahanin yun magandang panaginip ko.

At sa isang kisapmata, pinagmunihan ko ang bilbil ko at mataba kong braso...at nabaling ang atensyon ko sa isang realization na, after ng maraming days/months/years of nonstop eating, e mistulang nagkaroon na ng tyanak sa tiyan ko ngayon. OMG. Kailangan ko ng magpapapayat. Nakakarindi na rin yung paulitulit kang sinasabihan ng tabachoy. Paano ko pipilitin sarili ko na wag kumain, mag iced tea, softdrinks at junkfoods? Kailangan ko rin magexercise, magjogging at gumalaw galaw.

Gusto ko na pumayat at magising, figuratively at literally. Pero hindi ko pa alam kung paano, kung ganito ko ipagdidiwang ang summer. Baka lumobo at mamanas lang ako lalo...
"...The faster you go through life, the shallower your understanding becomes. You must allow life to unfold it's beauty slowly. Only then will you realize that God is in the details..."

Its been awhile since my last entry, and its really weird of me not to do that. In my defense, I have to say that I've had a lot going on...

Yep, my mind is like on some terrible loop of thoughts. And I think I think too much.

Wait, correction. I know I think too much. Of all the things that cross my mind on a regular basis, it all really comes down to the same thing. What is the point? What is the point of everything? Why bother going to school each day? Whats' the point of striving to achieve better things in my life? Same thoughts, same order, every day, every hour, every minute all the time. Yeah, I know I'd lose my mind anytime soon.

Argh. I can't go back, can't seem to go forward, can't stand to be in the here and now, and I'm too much of a loser to fucking end this mediocrity. So iisa lang din ang ginagawa ko, I'm bitching about my life over and over again till I can't even stand doing that.

Still, I am contemplating why, exactly, I can't accept the way things are and just be happy to have the things I have. I know I should want the things I have yet I hate it all parin.

I want to be mentally healthy yet I feel so undeserving of it at the same time and have to force myself to the things that are good for me. Maybe I was just tired of dealing with those things, acad stuffs, family, love, yuck. Hahah.

I have done nothing but overhaul my mind and myself this past few weeks in every possible way, but still, no change. Damn it. What is wrong with me?

Is it wrong for me to have contentment and peace?

Normally I'm very perceptive about everything. Pero ewan talaga.
I think misery now is becoming normal for me.


EWAN.
What can I do? Facing certain issues head on, standing right up close and examining things and slicing open old wounds again and again is not something I feel like I can cope with right now.

I think I am mentally and emotionally accident prone, as I seem to acquire new hurts every single day.

Just tell me things are gonna be alright if I just let myself change. PLEASE.
"...The faster you go through life, the shallower your understanding becomes. You must allow life to unfold it's beauty slowly. Only then will you realize that God is in the details..."

Its been awhile since my last entry, and its really weird of me not to do that. In my defense, I have to say that I've had a lot going on...

Yep, my mind is like on some terrible loop of thoughts. And I think I think too much.

Wait, correction. I know I think too much. Of all the things that cross my mind on a regular basis, it all really comes down to the same thing. What is the point? What is the point of everything? Why bother going to school each day? Whats' the point of striving to achieve better things in my life? Same thoughts, same order, every day, every hour, every minute all the time. Yeah, I know I'd lose my mind anytime soon.

Argh. I can't go back, can't seem to go forward, can't stand to be in the here and now, and I'm too much of a loser to fucking end this mediocrity. So iisa lang din ang ginagawa ko, I'm bitching about my life over and over again till I can't even stand doing that.

Still, I am contemplating why, exactly, I can't accept the way things are and just be happy to have the things I have. I know I should want the things I have yet I hate it all parin.

I want to be mentally healthy yet I feel so undeserving of it at the same time and have to force myself to the things that are good for me. Maybe I was just tired of dealing with those things, acad stuffs, family, love, yuck. Hahah.

I have done nothing but overhaul my mind and myself this past few weeks in every possible way, but still, no change. Damn it. What is wrong with me?

Is it wrong for me to have contentment and peace?

Normally I'm very perceptive about everything. Pero ewan talaga.
I think misery now is becoming normal for me.


EWAN.
What can I do? Facing certain issues head on, standing right up close and examining things and slicing open old wounds again and again is not something I feel like I can cope with right now.

I think I am mentally and emotionally accident prone, as I seem to acquire new hurts every single day.

Just tell me things are gonna be alright if I just let myself change. PLEASE.

Paano ba magcelebrate ng buhay ngayong summer nang walang pera at walang kasama para magcelebrate? Hindi ko akalaing magiging ganito kaboring ang summer ko.

May dalawang estado lang naman ang buhay ko ngayon, its either i am bored or tired.
Tired. Kasi para akong katulong sa bahay. Bored, kasi wala ng ibang magawa bukod sa pagiging yaya ko.

Sarap nun no? Pero may natuklasan ako...
Isa pala sa pinakamasarap gawin e ang matulog.Mahiga lang ako somewhere dito sa bahay e tulog agad ako. At maswerte na sila mama dahil may taga saing sila kung magising ako pagkatapos ng 2 oras dahil usually, inuumaga na yung idlip ko. At dahil siguro madalas akong tulog e mas nagiging weird at bizarre at super interesting ng mga panaginip ko. Tulad kagabi na kasama raw ako sa movie na watchmen tapos nagpunta daw kami sa Mars. Nung isang araw naman, napanaginipan ko na may billboard na raw ako sa Olongapo. Hahaha. At may isang beses pa na napanaginipan ko na binuhat ko raw yung ref namin tapos pinamigay ko sa magbobote tapos binayaran niya raw ako ng 1 million. Astig no? At di lang yon, mas narerecall ko na mga panaginip ko, di tulad dati na parang na idlip lang ako ng 30 minutes, tapos paggising ko e kamot ulo na lang magagawa ko sa kakapilit na alalahanin yun magandang panaginip ko.

At sa isang kisapmata, pinagmunihan ko ang bilbil ko at mataba kong braso...at nabaling ang atensyon ko sa isang realization na, after ng maraming days/months/years of nonstop eating, e mistulang nagkaroon na ng tyanak sa tiyan ko ngayon. OMG. Kailangan ko ng magpapapayat. Nakakarindi na rin yung paulitulit kang sinasabihan ng tabachoy. Paano ko pipilitin sarili ko na wag kumain, mag iced tea, softdrinks at junkfoods? Kailangan ko rin magexercise, magjogging at gumalaw galaw.

Gusto ko na pumayat at magising, figuratively at literally. Pero hindi ko pa alam kung paano, kung ganito ko ipagdidiwang ang summer. Baka lumobo at mamanas lang ako lalo...